She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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