my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am naked and annoyed.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
