So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
