bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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