So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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