A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
