everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
