community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
