I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
