I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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