my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
