We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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