I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
