i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
