i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
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