I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
