The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
