I wish I only lived at night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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