i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you never un-have a 4some
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
