I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
