so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
