He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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