when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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