Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
