He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
