If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize