sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
