i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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