That's when you crack a 10am beer
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
