So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize