I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
