so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
