I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
