i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
