Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
