So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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