Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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