found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
