Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
