if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
