We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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