I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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