just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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