is your mom at the bar?
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
