1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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