literally had 100 drinks last night.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
