I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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