I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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