I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
