the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
