you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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