Jerry, you need to find god
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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