OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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