also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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