tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
