Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize