I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
