We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
